Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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