i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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