If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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