Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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