I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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