My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
