i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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