How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I didn't notice because vodka
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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