Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
