she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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