What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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