Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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