There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
