Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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