Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I touched a dick in church today
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
