My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
