Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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