the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
