Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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