I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you traded sex for a burrito?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
