I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
