If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
