Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
