I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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