i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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