you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
