If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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