Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
