please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
