Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize