i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
splinters make it hard to masturbate
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
