the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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