I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
