If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
