I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I party with great urgency now.
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