Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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