Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
