My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I pour the whiskey from now on
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
