life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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