Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
