I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
