...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
