The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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