i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
