I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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