When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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