I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize