mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
