the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
