our cab driver is having phone sex.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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