Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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