were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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