at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
