Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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