If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my shit smells like andre
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
